General Lordisimo’s Apocalypse

On Thanksgiving evening we gathered around the big screen TV and watched some shows about the history and myths of the holiday.  On one show (I think it was on the History or Discovery Channel) a turkey expert talked some about the fowl that we love to consume on the special day of the year.  Very astutely the man pointed out that “turkeys are not computer literate.”  Now to many of you this may not come as much of a surprise and we should all be grateful that we do not have computer literate turkeys but what may come as the real shocker is that there are other things in this world that are also computer illiterate.  Allow me to point out a few.

• Fritos:  These tasty snack foods have an all around lack of computer know-how.  Several intense experiments in the mid-nineties had Fritos placed on the computer keyboards to see what they would do.  What turned out is that Fritos on keyboards do little more then make the keyboards greasy.  Similar experiments were later carried out with Doritos in which case it was discovered that the tasty corn chips scored slightly higher than their cousins in that they made the keyboards not just greasy but also cheesy. $2.6 million of American taxpayers’ money was spent on these experiments.
• The Amish:  Due to cultural and religious constraints the Amish tend to be an overall computer illiterate society.  Sure there are some rebels amongst their ranks who have acquired some rudimentary computer skills but in general these individuals are few.  However it should be noted that while not versed in the use of computers the Amish have developed highly complex quilting binary systems in ways comparable to DOS.  It is theorized that within the next decade or so the Amish quilts may be able to handle advanced gaming like Halo 3.
• Earthworms:  Simply put earthworms are not computer literate, also it is unlikely that they are even aware that computers exist.
• Rocks:  I know, this one was a surprise to me too, but alas rocks have such an overall lack of computer literacy that it is dangerous to even let them near a calculator.  Two years ago a slab of granite was allowed access to an IPod and the stone’s outstanding absence of computer understanding resulted in the State of Michigan being destroyed.  A tragic event to say the least.
• Monkeys: This is actually a questionable area.  It has been suggested that monkeys could develop certain levels of computing literacy but considering that they often view the machines as either food or toilets currently the stance remains that they do not really get it.
• Zombies: When pitted against werewolves and vampires in an all monster computer marathon zombies came in dead (no pun intended) last, failing even to log in.  However to display their wrath at losing the zombies promptly ate the judges brains. 

Of course these are just a few examples of other things that are computer illiterate, their are many others that have not been mentioned also their is a large quantity of unknowns.  For example NASA has been investing significant amounts of research to determining whether or not Jupiter is computer literate.  As we progress to the future we are likely to make more discoveries in what is or isn’t computer literate.  We do indeed live in an exciting time.